I recently shared a story on my Instagram page about Julia Robert’s getting shamed on the social media after a photo of her and her niece, Emma Robert’s was shared online for not aging well.
As a woman, let alone a human, this got my blood boiling. How have we allowed this narrative to shape us as a society that people on the internet give themselves the right to shame women for something completely out of their control??? And IMO, she looked beautiful. Aging is unavoidable, and something that EVERY human-being goes through as it’s part of life. Reminder, if you’re not aging, you’re dead. So instead of shaming one another for that which is a part of life, how about we start seeing what beauty actually is?
In the mosaic of life, a woman’s value doesn’t decrease with age despite what society has us believing. This is deep, patriarchal conditioning that just simply isn’t true. And I’ll be the first to admit that my conditioning of ageism runs deep and is something I have to revisit time and again to remind myself that my value is intangible and has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I look like despite my own conditioning.
Are we living in a sci-fi movie?
Because what I'm about to say next might sound a little out there, but stick with me if you may...
In a superficial “anti-aging” world where the objectification of women has dramatically gotten worse, we are literally at the precipice of society going so ass-backwards that women are on the brink of extinction as “man” continues experimenting with 🤖 in there endless pursuit of creating the “perfect” (AI) woman.
I know, sounds a little dramatic, right? I don’t think it is though. From a young age women get the idea that our value lies in what we look like, as society, the media, and now social media pressures us to fit into these completely unrealistic and unattainable cookie-cutter molds of perfection. And now across the internet, and social media we are continuing to see a rise of DEEP FAKE (AI- Generated) Instagram women, with hundreds of thousands, and some with even millions of followers. You’d literally have no idea it wasn’t a real human if someone didn’t tell you. I Just discovered this a couple of months ago and I've been so disturbed by this movement. I can't stop thinking about how this will impact future generations, and how many little girls, let alone grown adult woman, will be comparing themselves to computer generated images of perfection.
Men have become so disconnected from themselves, and so desperate for connection that they’re creating fake women to fulfill their needs, but this is a topic for another day and another forum. In sex-crazed world where man is in a never-ending pursuit to create the "perfect woman," because lets get real here, we will never satiate their ideals of perfection, now will we? Humans have not only become so disconnected from one another due to the rise of technology and how we connect, we've also become disconnected from ourselves.
In next several years, maybe decades even, is a revolution, in fact it's happening right now. A NEW WOMEN’S REVOLUTION, whether you want to partake in it or not, it's happening. Brave women of generations before us are leading it. And it’s us against them, and when I say “them,” I’m referring to the monster society has created. When I look out into the world and see how many women have lost their way, I am afraid for what the future looks like. Right now more than ever, we need women who are awake, and unified in heart and purpose.
We have a choice.
We can choose to allow society to write our story, OR we can write our own.
If we allow society to write our story, we can expect to be subjected to ageism (like the Julia Robert’s Story as an example), which predominantly affects 2 out 3 women over the of age 50, up until this point in time. However, seeing how far society has veered off from its humanity, ageism is getting younger and younger as we know men prefer women young. Look at the Fake AI women they drool over, they look like teenage girls with huge breasts, tiny waists and round asses. I don’t know, it smells like pedos in the air.
But this isn’t about men. THIS IS ABOUT US. It's about our sense of self-worth. It's about our innate value as women regardless of our age. It doesn’t matter if you’re 25 now, aging is something none of us will escape. And now that i'm 40, it's hitting me. It’s been hitting me since I was 29 years old, and I spent the last decade dreading the big 4-0, especially the thought of still being single when hitting the big 4-0. I know this might sound ridiculous to some, but this was my nightmare, I’m not even exaggerating. I'm living it, and it turns out my nightmare isn't so bad after-all. In fact, my nightmare has turned into my liberation. And I feel I called to share this because I know I’m not the only one that has struggled with this. We know what happens to single women after 40, they’re discarded by society. So why don’t we start talking about it openly? Let’s let the monsters out of the closet.
Taking our Power Back, and Writing Our Own Story:
Now as a 40 year single old woman, it's hitting me but not in the same way as it was before. Before it was hitting me because I believed my worth was in my youth, and now I realize my worth is something that can't be taken away from me. But it's hitting me because I realize that not all women are going to reach this point of clarity, especially if we’re not talking about it. So though this is something that might not directly affect you today, this will affect you some day, and it's affecting women right now, and one day it will be your sister, or your mother, or your daughter, or your friend...
There will come a day where we will all be faced with ageism. And I just want to remind all of us, myself included, that the superficial fountain of youth is elusive, and the harder we try to grasp on to our “youth,” the more difficult this transition for women will be. If you’re a mother raising girls in this world, I hope that this is of the utmost importance to you. You are leading by example of how your daughters will feel about themselves one day. You are raising the next generation of women. You have the most important job of anyone on this planet.
So allow me to remind any woman that needs to hear this today that you are aging like fine wine. Your experiences are not “baggage,” they add depth and color to your existence. With every passing year, you become a masterpiece, exuding, strength, wisdom, and grace.
The body you’re in, is a temporary vessel for this life. You are eternally and infinitely beautiful because I can see how bright you shine, even if you can’t quite see it yet yourself. And let me tell you what the secret is, IT'S IN YOUR SOUL, and that sister, is something that can never be taken away from you. Because you’re the only you that is. AND THAT IS YOUR SUPERPOWER in this fake-ass world.
We can try to deny it all we want. We can pretend it’s not lurking in the shadows. We can stay high-vibe and act like nothing phases us, or we can start getting really fucking real with each other and start talking about how we are affected and impacted as we go through these different phases of our lives. There will come a day where every woman is confronted with ageism.
So here comes the vulnerable part…
This isn’t easy for me to admit, let alone sharing it publicly but I know there are others of you that have felt this too, so here it goes.
I turned 40 last year and although it wasn’t as tragic as I always thought it would be because I’ve realized I’m actually still very young and have a fresh new take on life as I’ve entered this brand new decade, feeling extra fresh. But the last 11 years getting here was the hardest part.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this fear of getting older because of societal conditioning and how men have made me feel throughout my life. I struggled with low self-esteem and low self-worth most of my life as I didn’t grow up in a home where I was taught what my value is as a woman, let alone, a human being. I witnessed my father with his many mistresses cheat on my mom from an early age until they got divorced when I was 6. I lived with my single working mom and was pretty much raised by the television like a lot of us from our generation were.
Somewhere along my life I got the messaging from guys/men that my worth could be found in what I looked like and boys from a young age became the source of where I searched for my worth. So throughout my life, like a lot of women, I put a lot of effort into vanity because that seemed to be the only thing they liked about me.
In my teens, twenties and early thirties I noticed how older men would look at me, even when they were with their girlfriends & wives. It was never something that made me feel flattered or special, rather disgusted and reinforced my negative beliefs that men can’t be trusted and they're infatuated with young attractive women.
The men I dated throughout my life usually made me feel like what I looked like was their favorite thing about me. That also didn’t make feel flattered or special, it only reinforced my negative beliefs about myself that my worth is found in what I look like, because they’d always dip out when they realized a woman like me requires effort, again, also reinforcing those negative beliefs, that as long as we’re “pretty and easy” we are worthy of their love and affection. God forbid a woman reveal her needs, and show her imperfections😱.
So after a string of heartbreaks, it lead me to search for my worth over the last decade, no longer in men but in myself. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it. Because now I’m living what was once my biggest fear, being 40 and alone (since society puts an expiration date on us) and let me tell you girlfriends, although sure, when I look in the mirror I still struggle with my body imperfections and the signs of aging, that is inevitable. But you know what else? I have found my worth beyond my exterior shell. I have dug deep, searched and fought my way through hell to find my worth so that I no longer have to look towards a man to tell me I am worthy. I know am worthy.
A Different World:
Could you imagine a world where little girls get to grow up knowing that their worth isn’t found in what they look like???? It isn't found in how much they do for other people? It isn't found in how good she is at juggling everything? It isn't found in her job title, her bank account, the clothes she wears, or the car she drives??
Could you imagine if they didn't have to spend what should be their best years struggling with low self esteem, trying to fit into the boxes society has laid out for us, and do anything at the cost of being chosen by men that don’t truly value them to validate their worth???
How different would our world be if we stopped drinking the kool-aid, and embraced aging? I look at women who are older now, who have paved the road ahead of me and I am so enamored by their confidence, their beauty and their strength. They inspire me. And I aspire to be like them one day. Women who love themselves from the inside out. Women who know their worth. Women that are real, raw and empower other women to find their inner strength. Women who are leading the revolution of these ridiculous standards of perfection that we're all trying to achieve and maintain. I don't know about you, but If I had a daughter, that’s the kind of world I’d want her to grow up in.
I don't want to see another generation of self-sacrificing women that are going to wake up one day with regrets, and feel completely alone, unworthy and discarded once they hit a certain age because they can’t keep up with looking like they’re 25 years old forever… it’s going to happen eventually, and it’s going to be a really rude awakening for those that aren’t prepared for it. This is part of why I started my healing journey, because I knew I was one of those women, and I still am.
And this is why I have to talk about it.
So how does the Triple Goddess (Maiden, Mother, Crone) fit into all of this?
The maiden phase typically starts when a girl "becomes a woman," which is marked by her first menstruation, for me, I was 11 years old... And we stay in our maiden phase until we get married, and change our last name to our husband's name which usually takes place in our twenties-early thirties. And then she transitions into Motherhood after having her first-born. She stays in motherhood for the next twenty-thirty years until her own offspring have children of their own, making the Mother, now a grandmother, which is also known as the phase of crone, where the woman has reached full maturity, and is no longer in pursuit of validation but rather comfortably takes on this new role, because she gets to be a grandmother, full of love and wisdom to share with her grandkids. It's like she gets to go through it again, but from a more grounded, and secure place this time. Do you see now how this traditional cycle a woman goes through naturally guides her from maiden, to mother, to crone?
So whether you realize it or not, you're going through these phases of life whether you recognize it or not. It has more to do with our maturity, wants, needs, and desires changing, rather than the actual milestones that bring us there.
As a woman that wanted so badly to go the traditional route, life had different plans for me and I've struggled so much in the last 15 years in silence because of the shame that comes with wanting these things. Because we should be totally happy and content on our own, AND also, a devoted wife, mother, career woman that does it all. Don't even get me started on the mixed messages we receive throughout our lives either, this is a topic for another day.
Today, I want to talk about these phases of womanhood, and bring to light how challenging it can be for those of us that still have our maiden name, but haven't felt like a maiden for a long time. How do we transition? How do we evolve? Where are the lines and the paths to follow?
There are none. You have to create your own.
The Initiation into Maiden, Mother, Crone:
Girls need to be initiated into womanhood, young women should be initiated into the maiden phase of their life, and maidens initiated into motherhood..
So what about those of us that aren't mother's? Either by choice or because we can't have children of our own.
It sometimes feels like we're the forgotten women of society, especially for those of us that don't want to stay a forever maiden because we've outgrown that stage of our lives. How do we transition to crone if we never go through the phase of motherhood?? And I think that's what a lot of single women end up silently struggling with alone (even when they don't understand that's why they're struggling), because there is no space to honor these transitory phases in our lives without the life changes, and labels that society gives us.
I'm a 40-year old single woman that is still considered a "maiden" in society because I'm not married and don't have a husband to signify that i've transitioned into a new phase of my life. And If i'm going to get even more real here, I started transitioning into this phase of my life 12 years ago, and it was something I struggled with so much because I was ready for the next phase of my life but it didn't fit into society's standards of what that means. I wanted to get married, and have a family but I wasn't just going to marry anyone. For me, marriage was never a means to an end, but rather about building a life with someone in partnership and companionship.
Not going down the same path as most of my peers left me feeling so lost, purposeless and unfulfilled as a woman for most of the last decade. Not only that, but I didn't have anyone I could share this with. I felt bad for feeling so bad, because we're not supposed to feel bad about it. I struggled alone in silence as I know so many women do, so I don't want to be silent about it any longer. I want to shine a light on what society ignores. Because what if I never get married? What if I never have kids? Am I going to be a maiden forever? An 80 year old maiden? And I'm not talking about the last name sense, I'm talking about the phase of womanhood that I graduated from in my twenties without the husband and without the kids.
How do I transition to Crone? If i'm not married, and still have my maiden name, and don't have any children or grandkids, how does a woman transition gracefully into the next phase of her life? And how does she know she's arrived there if she's perpetually chasing maidenhood. She doesn't allow herself to arrive there. She doesn't grow, she doesn't mature, she doesn't evolve.
Crone is supposed to be the most revered part of womanhood that has completely been ignored by society (especially single women). Because society doesn't value older women, society wants women to stay the young, prime maiden for eternity if it was up to them. Don't get me wrong, a part of me wishes that too sometimes, that I could stay forever young, because young is beautiful right?? But so is maturing, so is aging, so is growing, so is finally coming into your own as a woman and feeling so confident and comfortable in your own skin that you no longer give a shit what society has to say about your value. Do you even understand how powerful you become when you take the pen and start writing your own damn story??!!?!
So What do you think?
Man can work on trying to create the perfect woman all they want, but artificial intelligence will never be able to compete with real women. It doesn't matter how beautiful they make them, how subservient they are, they will never compare to a human woman. And as I look to the women before me, leading the revolution on ageism, I'm inspired by their confidence, by their wisdom, and how when I look at them, I still see beautiful women in front of me, because I'm no longer wearing the glasses society gave me. I can see their spirit, I can see their soul, I can see the light in their eyes, I can see their humanity, and I've realized that's where the true beauty lies.
So the choice is yours. You can allow society to label you, and discard you after a certain age, or you can say, Fuck that! I write my own story, and make it a great one.
If this post resonated for you at all, it would mean so much to me if you shared it. I hope to get more women on board in this dialogue. Because until we start talking about it, until we start sharing our own stories, until the monsters in the closet no longer scare us, we will always be under their control.
Stay tuned for Part 3 in this series, where I dive deeper into embracing the transition from maiden to motherhood in a modern world, coming next Monday. (Single and no kids, you'll want to read this one!)
Xo,
Saddaf